Hail To The King, Baby

Silent trumpets are raised aloft as the drawbridge slowly descends. Nervous anticipation grips Richmond. The deep breath of horses hangs heavy in the dew filled air as hooves scrape against gravel. The peasant families huddle together, clad in their finest hessian, the smell of cabbage and dust in their hair doused by water from the village well. The trumpeters begin a regal roulade. The upper class families swoon; they purse their lips and adjust their monocles. The King emerges. A mighty roar erupts as he nods in appreciation. He travels by humble steed, free of the excessive embellishments to which so many other monarchs have become accustomed. His destination is the shire market, a weekly ritual undertaken to procure produce and mingle with his faithful subjects.

He gallops over hilly landscape and through rivulets, his snow white steed setting a cracking pace, the icy wind parting for his chiseled face and muscular physique. Residents stare in awe as he passes through the villages, children chase his horse with glee and collapse with exhaustion as they bask in the glory of his dusty trail. The King smiles at maidens carrying buckets of milk along the paths and they collapse with the pleasure of his charm. He is a friend to all in his Kingdom but is vehemently disdainful of dandyism and greets drivers of fancy buggies with a vicious cry of "TOOL!" before swiftly galloping away.

The King spends each Saturday morn milling amongst the shouting hagglers and bustling servants of the shire market. His knowledge of produce was learnt first hand in the lettuce fields of his youth. He casts expert eyes and hands over the "Rety Eat" fruit and veg and selects only the finest ingredients for his Royal feasts, which he also prepares single handedly. His culinary specialties include; Vegetarian pizza, swordfish curry and gourmet barbecues. Our Royal Highness' expertise in fine dining also extends to the art of drink selection; flagons of the Kingdom's finest tawny compliment any meal.

After a hard days riding and feasting the King appreciates quality time with fair maidens. He serenades them with beautiful music, fine food and candle lit ambience. He enquires, "Tawny ladies?" and proceeds to pour a cup of the seductive claret for the smiling maid. He treats the lady to rub downs of aloe and removes his collar and cuff... Silent trumpets are raised aloft as the drawbridge slowly descends!