IF Awards
I'm always overcome by despondency while watching awards shows. The ARIA's just flat out wind me, I remember watching with a face of stone cold disbelief as this cavalcade of tube stakes and mugs cavorted before me. Hamish and Andy!, Ben Lee!, Eskimo Joe!, Axle and The Veronicas! and drag queen supreme Greta Kileen! Heavens above! I was riddled with nervous twitches and through sheer frustration nearly ground my teeth to dust. The feeling of helplessness had me retiring to my chambers muttering bizarre anti-social rigmarole about some sort of "New World Order."
Watching the Inside Film Awards though I was struck by a different sort of low. All these films with their various crew members and hours of laborious lens grinding. I'm not up for that. I can't do that. I could, but where to start? I have ideas... Mainly involving girls looking at them selves in front of mirrors smeared with lipstick and writing letters by lamplight and being haunted by a specter of some sort and slowly losing their marbles and taking baths fully clothed and getting really drunk by themselves and re-arranging their furniture and knitting a noose while boiling gin in a kettle. That's all old hat though. Nothing groundbreaking in that lot. From what I can gauge from the DVD pirate who flogs his wares in Brunswick's industrial area around morning tea time, what the people want is... ROT. Therefore, I submit my synopsis for THE BUG.
-There's this bug, in a cave, a giant bug, a genetically modified revenge seeking bug. It was created by a malfunction in experiments on insects by a large corporation. The bug is venomous and can dig and fly and spin gossamer webs. The Military try to destroy the bug with specially designed tanks and flame throwers and dragsters that have built in flame throwers. Jessica Alba is the sergeant in charge of destroying the bug. She is part of an elite unit of soldiers that are clad in only G-strings and aviator glasses. They smoke the bug out of its cave and into the open world. A chase ensues down Route 66, in dragsters and souped up Subarus and Nissans. The chase is so fast that they fall into a space-time continuum and travel back to medieval times. The bug finds another cave and once again takes sanctuary. But the cave is already inhabited by a dragon and a vicious battle of the titans ensues. Alba and her scantily clad army fashion flame throwers out of catapults and dragsters out of horse drawn carts to destroy both beasts...
It'll be out next summer.
Watching the Inside Film Awards though I was struck by a different sort of low. All these films with their various crew members and hours of laborious lens grinding. I'm not up for that. I can't do that. I could, but where to start? I have ideas... Mainly involving girls looking at them selves in front of mirrors smeared with lipstick and writing letters by lamplight and being haunted by a specter of some sort and slowly losing their marbles and taking baths fully clothed and getting really drunk by themselves and re-arranging their furniture and knitting a noose while boiling gin in a kettle. That's all old hat though. Nothing groundbreaking in that lot. From what I can gauge from the DVD pirate who flogs his wares in Brunswick's industrial area around morning tea time, what the people want is... ROT. Therefore, I submit my synopsis for THE BUG.
-There's this bug, in a cave, a giant bug, a genetically modified revenge seeking bug. It was created by a malfunction in experiments on insects by a large corporation. The bug is venomous and can dig and fly and spin gossamer webs. The Military try to destroy the bug with specially designed tanks and flame throwers and dragsters that have built in flame throwers. Jessica Alba is the sergeant in charge of destroying the bug. She is part of an elite unit of soldiers that are clad in only G-strings and aviator glasses. They smoke the bug out of its cave and into the open world. A chase ensues down Route 66, in dragsters and souped up Subarus and Nissans. The chase is so fast that they fall into a space-time continuum and travel back to medieval times. The bug finds another cave and once again takes sanctuary. But the cave is already inhabited by a dragon and a vicious battle of the titans ensues. Alba and her scantily clad army fashion flame throwers out of catapults and dragsters out of horse drawn carts to destroy both beasts...
It'll be out next summer.
4 Comments:
perhaps just soup-up the noose-knitter scenario so she's wearing aviators and boiling mutant bugs in her kettle, and throw in a lantern-jawed cameo played by george clooney or similar. it's called indie turbo. you'll snare both the IF types and the blockbuster audience and a new totalitarian cinematic world order will ensue.
They'd flock to it. I'll come onboard as an Executive Producer.
I have an idea for a low budget Brit-flick about a dodgy but loveable black-market DVD hawker from Brunswick market who gets catapulted into a world of violence and deception when he accidentally receives a copy of a new Hollywood blockbuster called 'BUGS' which actually contains an embedded anti-islamic brainwashing code put there by the US military.
..or you could have the dragster chase in black and white, or sort of sepia. all in slow motion with arvo part playing - deeply tragic and a little bit incongruous - that'll please the poncey types, and you can still have a glimpse of snatch for the masses (male, that is, oh, and the lezzas). sorted - mass market and arty - a bit like schindler's list.
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